Tomorrow is the first day of my new career. I am...giddy. I'm also a little bit terrified in a holy-cow-what-the-hell-have-I-gotten-myself-into-can-this-be-for-real sort of way.
If you look closely you may notice that something on this blog has changed. I removed 90% of the content, leaving just a handful of posts. As I removed the content I felt like I was shedding the past and so much of its burden. It was time. I was ready. And now I feel physically and emotionally lighter.
Happiness has always been within reach.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Formula-Fed Baby
It's official. I gave Percy 3 ounces of formula tonight. He finally seems content now that he has a full stomach.
Thanks to my pumping I was able to measure how much milk I was producing. My supply is terrible. I'm only making 12 ounces of breastmilk a day. Not enough for Percy to thrive.
I've ordered Mother's Milk and Fenugreek. They should arrive tomorrow. Until my supply improves I'll be adding two 3 ounce bottles of formula to Little P's daily diet.
I failed him. My body failed again.
Thanks to my pumping I was able to measure how much milk I was producing. My supply is terrible. I'm only making 12 ounces of breastmilk a day. Not enough for Percy to thrive.
I've ordered Mother's Milk and Fenugreek. They should arrive tomorrow. Until my supply improves I'll be adding two 3 ounce bottles of formula to Little P's daily diet.
I failed him. My body failed again.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Weight
January 1st: 3040 grams
January 3rd: 2880 grams
January 8th: 2820 grams
January 15th: 2890 grams
By the end of the day my clothing was stained with every body fluid save for the one found on blue dresses. Spitup, breastmilk, blood, urine, and thanks to a diaper change in my car, explosive baby poop. Immediately after picking his naked body up from the scale and holding his screaming body to my chest the sudden warmth which soaked through my shirt and to my abdomen marked the fourth time he'd urinated on me in two weeks. "I should have packed an extra shirt for myself in his diaper bag instead of two for him." The nurse barely blinked as I dressed Perseus before addressing the new stain on my shirt.
Thanks to my own mother food and drink continue to reach me. Despite the many trays of oatmeal, soup, and cheese I'm still losing weight. I'm down to 158 pounds. My weight at delivery was 180. "As long as you're getting enough fluids and not starving yourself I wouldn't worry if this was affecting your supply."
But they are concerned about my milk supply. "He should have reached birthweight by two weeks." I reluctantly unpacked my pump that night. Between breastfeeding and pumping alternately I hope Percy gets more milk. I look at his 10th percentile frame and am overcome with worry that I'm not meeting his most basic need.
Despite his lean body he is precociously strong and alert. He can lift and hold his head. He follows the mobile animals. And tonight I watched him rollover from his back to his belly.
So now to find Fenugreek...
January 3rd: 2880 grams
January 8th: 2820 grams
January 15th: 2890 grams
By the end of the day my clothing was stained with every body fluid save for the one found on blue dresses. Spitup, breastmilk, blood, urine, and thanks to a diaper change in my car, explosive baby poop. Immediately after picking his naked body up from the scale and holding his screaming body to my chest the sudden warmth which soaked through my shirt and to my abdomen marked the fourth time he'd urinated on me in two weeks. "I should have packed an extra shirt for myself in his diaper bag instead of two for him." The nurse barely blinked as I dressed Perseus before addressing the new stain on my shirt.
Thanks to my own mother food and drink continue to reach me. Despite the many trays of oatmeal, soup, and cheese I'm still losing weight. I'm down to 158 pounds. My weight at delivery was 180. "As long as you're getting enough fluids and not starving yourself I wouldn't worry if this was affecting your supply."
But they are concerned about my milk supply. "He should have reached birthweight by two weeks." I reluctantly unpacked my pump that night. Between breastfeeding and pumping alternately I hope Percy gets more milk. I look at his 10th percentile frame and am overcome with worry that I'm not meeting his most basic need.
Despite his lean body he is precociously strong and alert. He can lift and hold his head. He follows the mobile animals. And tonight I watched him rollover from his back to his belly.
So now to find Fenugreek...
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Breastfeeding and Cosleeping
Perseus and I have mastered the lieing down feeding position. Life is beautiful. I may still subsist on 2 hrs of sleep but no more sitting upright at 3 in the morning with Percy on a boppy pillow.
We have a pediatrician appointment tomorrow. He's been suckling nearly nonstop over the last 24 hours. If he's lost more weight, passing the 10% loss mark, I don't know what I'll do.
With hourly cries for milk or a clean diaper I've forsaken the bassinet. That's right: we're cosleeping. I keep him in a u-shaped pillow, swaddled and away from bedding. It's temporary but for now it seems the perfect arrangement.
Okay you can yell at me now.
We have a pediatrician appointment tomorrow. He's been suckling nearly nonstop over the last 24 hours. If he's lost more weight, passing the 10% loss mark, I don't know what I'll do.
With hourly cries for milk or a clean diaper I've forsaken the bassinet. That's right: we're cosleeping. I keep him in a u-shaped pillow, swaddled and away from bedding. It's temporary but for now it seems the perfect arrangement.
Okay you can yell at me now.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Breastfeeding Delight
If you're a man, cover your ears...
It's Day 5. My milk has come in and I'm able to successfully feed Perseus now. The first few days were very difficult. Two cracked nipples and one swollen hard breast in conjunction with a difficult to establish and extraordinarily painful, toe curling latch made the process very frustrating. I nearly broke down into tears at two in the morning on Day 3. Perseus wouldn't stop crying and I couldn't establish a good latch. After an hour and a half we finally had success.
His pediatrician is concerned that I may not be producing enough or Perseus may not be feeding often enough. We're watching his weight closely.
It's gotten easier over the last two days. We're both learning and are establishing a routine. He and I are both actually sleeping for two hour intervals through the night now! I love the bonding as well. I swear I could just hold him for the rest of my life and be content. Unfortunately, my breasts, my nipples in particular, are still incredibly sore, and cracked.
Assvice requested.
It's Day 5. My milk has come in and I'm able to successfully feed Perseus now. The first few days were very difficult. Two cracked nipples and one swollen hard breast in conjunction with a difficult to establish and extraordinarily painful, toe curling latch made the process very frustrating. I nearly broke down into tears at two in the morning on Day 3. Perseus wouldn't stop crying and I couldn't establish a good latch. After an hour and a half we finally had success.
His pediatrician is concerned that I may not be producing enough or Perseus may not be feeding often enough. We're watching his weight closely.
It's gotten easier over the last two days. We're both learning and are establishing a routine. He and I are both actually sleeping for two hour intervals through the night now! I love the bonding as well. I swear I could just hold him for the rest of my life and be content. Unfortunately, my breasts, my nipples in particular, are still incredibly sore, and cracked.
Assvice requested.
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